The Authentic Self and Connection

The authentic Self helps establish real connections with others for true and lasting peace. You have the free will to choose your own way and let others do the same. Get to know yourself better through somatic practices and self-inquiry. 

The First Step is Awareness.

Throughout almost every course I take in my graduate program (MACP: Master's of Arts in Counselling Psychology), it is not just recommended, but imperative that the counsellor develop mindful self-inquiry. This involves taking a closer look at experiences, personality, beliefs, values, biases (yes we all have them, even unintentional ones!), emotional reactions, triggers, desires and needs. After all, how we view our Self and take care of our Self, informs how we view and treat other Selves. 

For example, if you are very critical of yourself, prone to feelings of anxiety or perfectionism, take a closer look at how you view people you may or may not know in your daily life. “They just cut me off! Wow, that is unsafe. Why did they say that? They were so rude!” While you may be quite pleasant to their faces, in what ways are you judgemental of their lifestyle, beliefs, or decisions? 

What Do Data and Literature Say?  "The one who looks outside dreams, the one who looks inside, awakes."

~ Carl Jung

The point being, if we don’t know ourselves, we lack authenticity and that limits our connections with others. In fact, both clinical and longitudinal studies have illustrated this point. 

By examining this further, we can begin to develop the hypothesis that the more we love and understand ourselves, the more kind and accepting we will be of others. 

Toltec wisdom highlights The Four Agreements by which we, speak impeccably, refrain from judgement, stop taking this personally and simply try our best even when we ‘fail.’ Failing is a perception, as there are no mistakes, only choices and the lesson we learn from them. Don Miguel Ruiz further suggested in The Mastery of Love, that we are responsible for taking care of our own happiness without relying on external conditions of others or in fact, needing to change them. 

By first forging a healthy relationship with yourself, you are better able to form relationships without conditions. That doesn’t mean you see eye to eye on everything, it just means you love yourself enough to respect that everyone else has different experiences, beliefs, values on their own learning journey through life. You also love yourself enough to connect with others (or not) in a way that serves your highest interest. 

Noticing and Choosing.

Do you ever find yourself upset and grumpy being around someone that is having a bad day? Or happy and light when you spend time with someone feeling positive and upbeat? You can choose to recognize who you want to spend more time with while also realizing that no one can control your joy and peace. 

By being controlled or controlling someone else, you are saying, “I do not trust that you will make the best decision for yourself.” It is hard letting others make their own choices, especially when it seems harmful. It is also complicated with children, as you may be responsible for their safety and well-being. The important word here is CHOICE. Give them the free will to choose. 

Sensing Your Way

When you begin to cultivate an internal practice with mindfulness, breath-work, movement and meditation, the mind and body can become a safe place to become more aware of the Self. 

It is worth noting that as Michael Singer presented (Untethered Soul), you are not your thoughts, you are the one who notices them. 

Consequently, as you were developing your personality or ego during childhood you took in beliefs, values and experiences from others and the community around you. All of these conditions shaped who you think of as you, but may or not align with your authentic Self. 

Essentially, the experiences you have now, are filtered through the lens of these early perceptions of the way you see the world. The good news is that you are always learning, growing and changing - yay neuroplasticity! So beliefs you had as a child, require re-evaluation as you begin to quiet the mind and examine these conditions and perceptions. 

Perhaps you are even beginning to ask yourself: 

• Who am I? 

• What do I like? 

• What makes me feel alive? 

• What do I want out of life? 

• How do my beliefs and values inform my actions?

• What is the interaction between my habits and beliefs? 

• What do my emotions and reactions say about my internal landscape (unconscious beliefs, repression, automatic thoughts)? 

• How do I feel in the morning? 

• What sensations and symptoms do I feel or notice in my body? 

• How are they trying to communicate with me? 

Final Thoughts

There is no one road to awakening or taking a journey to understand yourself better. The important thing is that you here. So make your own choices and live your life. You are doing the best you can right in this moment!

The love in me, sees the love in you,