You have a right to feel angry: So let your anger flow.

Sometimes, it isn’t always about relaxing and finding your calm. Sometimes, the fire - the anger, is necessary. Anger is a necessary boundary defence, it is a biological response in mammals. How is anger a healthy emotion, why do you need it and how can you use it? 

Think about a time you felt angry. Maybe your computer is slow, you're late for a meeting, or stuck in a traffic jam. Perhaps someone poked fun at you, said something unkind, or broke your trust. Mel Robbins has said, "let them," and Don Miguel Ruiz has said you react only if you believe what they did or said to you is true. Well maybe they violated your space or safety. Regardless, you are angry and you need to feel it to release it.

Healthy anger requires full awareness while rage unhinged is limiting you. No, it’s not ideal to rage and scream at someone because you have a right to be angry. Essentially, you will probably end up feeling upset or even angrier than you did before. Allowing the rage to overcome you by hitting something, even a pillow, allows the anger to intensify. 

Why do you think you are angry or raging in the first place? It’s not the circumstance or the other person, it is a mirror back to you. Why is it triggering? There is a story there that has meaning for you. Another layer to add is that anger is generally frowned upon in society and if you are a woman, you were probably discouraged from expressing it. So you either shove it down (and eventually it explodes), or it becomes a habit. 

If you have heard the term, “neurons that fire together wire together,” by Donald Hebb (Canadian psychologist), this essentially means that behaviours, including emotions can become habits and your body and mind respond by needing to create more of these conditions. Essentially, as your body and mind will crave conditions that cause anger. Our brains really like creating habits, so make it a good one!

The Pain Body and Anger

While seeing a host of practitioners for physical pain, the problem would always return. So, I’d been receiving some energy work with a trusted friend (who also happens to be a doctor). Friends, there is so much quantifiable and peer reviewed research that suggests Reiki works, even though we might not be sure how. Theoretically, everything is energy and by intentionally channeling that energy to cause a relaxed mental and physical state, the body can do what it knows how to do, heal. Self-Reiki is wonderful, as is breath-work and meditation. 

During the energy sessions, I felt so much peace, mindfulness and relaxation. Afterwards however, came the ANGER.

At first I was quite surprised at this rage bubbling up at seemingly insignificant triggers and circumstances. Upon reflection, I realized not only did I not know how to feel angry but that I didn’t like how it felt, so I pushed it down, way down. I masked it with calm as I felt guilty or ‘bad’ for even having the anger! Whenever you don’t allow yourself time to process your experiences, since everything is energy, that energy of anger isn’t released from your experience (hello tight hips). 

In thanking my body and energy work for signalling that something was off balance, I began to allow myself to feel without judgement. Honestly, I used to feel guilty for every feeling I had that wasn’t happy. I remember what Gabor Mate said about trauma being the pain that flows through you. Let anger flow through you, you don’t need to keep carrying it with you. You can use the calm WITH the anger. 

Tara Brach discusses the concept of RAIN:

R: recognize the anger and simply notice it is there.

I say out loud, I am feeling angry (not I am angry, you are not your anger).

A: allow the anger, let the experience be exactly as it is.

I will speak to the anger with compassion: I hear you now, welcome.

I: investigate the anger with objectivity.

What is the data telling you? Where do you feel it in your body? What thoughts are attached to the emotion of anger? Thoughts and emotions create stories that loop by reinforcement of each other. 

N: nurture the anger with loving compassion.

Again speak to the anger, speak to yourself with forgiveness and understanding. 

After this practice of taking care of your anger, notice how you feel.

Even allow yourself to find a moment alone or express this state to a loved one, by saying, "I need to take care of my anger now." You may want to breathe mindfully for the count of 6 inhale and the count of 6 exhale to come back to a calm body. Perhaps walking helps or repeating the mantra, "it’s ok that I feel anger now."

Now go ahead and set a boundary with someone or a situation from this mindful and rational place if necessary. The anger may have caused you to pause and see a situation from a new perspective.

Try this practice with any emotion that requires some mindful intention and perhaps notice how it gets easier with time. You may notice that you even begin to react less. The goal isn’t to never feel the emotional stories of our human experience, but it is to come back to love, peace or joy, quicker each time. Therefore, less time in anger, guilt, frustration, or regret. 

Reflecting back on genetics and our environment, we have to remind ourselves a lot of what we experienced as young children and even before our birth, made their mark on us (but it's not WHO you are). So loving all parts of you, the ‘beautiful,’ ‘the ugly,’ is all a part of the gift of life of which we are all connected.

In anger and peace,