How Being Selfish Reduces Stress and Increases Connections with Others

We are more stressed than ever. Can we be Selfish and be of Service? 

The wisdom from the East often encapsulates a collectivist mindset by which the concept of the individual is less important than the needs of the group. This fits nicely with the theory that we are all One, connected to each living thing through Source, Universe, God, or Light. 

This might be why you hear some spiritual guides stating, “don’t teach meditation to the Westerners, they always get it wrong. They meditate for themselves, to feel better or alleviate their own suffering.”

For those of us in the Western world, society definitely dictates a more individualist driven life. Westerners may strive for uniqueness and are less defined by social roles within the community context. 

This massively generalized view of societal values and beliefs form the individual as either striving for personal freedom or group harmony. 

However prevalent cultural competence may be in psychology, cultural humility suggests that we are all on a continuum balancing personal drives within various groups we ascribe to. Naturally, human beings have some sort of desire to be social and to belong as it not only feels safe, but it too drives our unique purpose. 

 “You must be somebody before you can be nobody.”

-Jack Engler, PhD (clinical psychologist and Buddhist scholar)

As Dr. Engler commented, knowing and understanding oneself through a deeply healing therapy experience can soften the experience to meditation which is meant to dissolve the ego. 

Consequently, we are connected to the One - whatever term is meaningful to you - but definitely created this experience to learn, grow, and evolve. This requires not only deep authentic self-reflection but in relation to the collective which we are unavoidably a part of.  

There is a difference between Self and ego. The Self can be synonymous with Spirit or Soul, your true essence or nature. Ego is a collection of experiences that you have developed as a mask to your true self. You could say this is their ‘Earth identity.’

The main issue with the ego is that it identifies as a completely separate being striving to feel special through personal achievements all the while remaining fearful and driven by survival ‘instincts’. Naturally, this creates a breeding ground for external control and validation to soothe this fragile internal world. As you can imagine, this fragility leads to the hostility and drama we see in the world. 

That is perhaps why some meditators experience mental health challenges and unexpected consequences and why Dr. Engler felt you must understand the ego to be free of it. 

Have you ever considered that the terms involving the Self - selfless (putting others needs before your own), selfish (overly concerned with your own advantage), self-centred (the world revolves around you) all have negative connotations? By reframing our negative connotations of these words with balance - sometimes we need to show up selflessly for others and other times we need to selfishly fill our own cup - we can accept that the ego is part of our lives just as Self is. 

With that insight we can postulate that being Selfish is about being of Service to others. When you take the time to understand all parts of you and take loving care of yourself, you can show up for others authentically. Others feel safe knowing what to expect from you. 

It can’t be ignored that the more you love yourself, the more capacity you have to love others and in turn accept them as they authentically are. Hence the old adage for relationships, “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself.”

Working with others serving their community on these self-care concepts - many feel guilty about how their clients show up that they don’t feel they deserve to take breaks. Additionally, a lot of us feel obligated towards familial relationships whereby continuous acts of selflessness lead to chronic daily stress.

The examples below indicate Self-care that has robust research at reducing stress and rewiring new behaviours for overall well-being. Other ‘ME-TIME’ activities can be hobbies and interests that are also necessary and fulfilling on a unique basis. 

Some acts of being selfish to be of service involve mindfulness and breath-work for approximately 6 minutes daily to reduce chronic stress for better long term health outcomes. For example, in between meetings, putting a sign on your door, “do not disturb” to take a moment to breathe mindfully has a bigger impact on your productivity and wellness than reaching for your phone. Social media will rise and crash your dopamine levels, mindfulness will raise it slowly, increase your baseline and last longer. 

In fact, this is so clinically significant as returning to the parasympathetic state from the frequently experienced sympathetic flight, fright, freeze (+ shutdown) state reducing overall negative perceived chronic stress to lower the risk factors for chronic disease (Bentley et al., 2023; Haight et al., 2023; Hepburn & McMahon, 2017; Miller et al., 2026). Additionally, studies also demonstrate having a sense of purpose and having access to social networks mediated the negative effects of perceived stress (Pourmand et al. 2021). 

Another model I teach when experiencing stress is the BAAM method. While it might take effort to rewire your reactions and approaches, it begins with awareness whether you stop and BAAM or you react - find awareness - then come to use the BAAM model.

Ultimately, any new routine or practice takes time and perseverance but with the research on insidious day stress - it’s essential for survival. If you ever needed permission to take time for yourself - the proof is in the pudding. Try to take little moments throughout the day to just be with yourself - breathe mindfully, notice your surroundings, feel gratitude for the people in your life, or find a mantra (repetitive word or phrase) to centre and calm your mind - and check in two weeks and a month, how do you feel? Here is a stress scale to check in with yourself. 

Your health is asking you to take care of yourself, to know yourself, to be with yourself. When you show up authentically for others in Service – professionally and personally - they will notice. Being selfish and being of service are not mutually exclusive. This not only reduces stress, but increases love - and it starts with You. 

With peace and joy,

References

Bentley, T. G. K., D'Andrea-Penna, G., Rakic, M., Arce, N., LaFaille, M., Berman, R., Cooley, K., & Sprimont, P. (2023). Breathing practices for stress and anxiety reduction: Conceptual framework of implementation guidelines based on a systematic review of the published literature. Brain Sciences, 13(12), 1612. https://doi.org/10.3390/brainsci13121612

Haight, B. L., Peddie, L., Crosswell, A. D., Hives, B. A., Almeida, D. M., & Puterman, E. (2023). Combined effects of cumulative stress and daily stressors on daily health. Health Psychology : Official Journal of the Division of Health Psychology, American Psychological Association, 42(5), 325–334. https://doi.org/10.1037/hea0001281

Hepburn, S.-J., & McMahon, M. (2017). Pranayama meditation (yoga breathing) for stress relief: Is it beneficial for teachers? Australian Journal of Teacher Education, 42(9), 142–159. http://dx.doi.org/10.14221/ajte.2017v42n9.9

Miller, M., Brown, R. D., Krautkramer, C., Gogia, R., Fritz, H., Wylie, D., Kinney, K., & Champagne, F. A. (2026). Association between chronic stress and the epigenome: Exploration of psychological and biological stress. PloS One, 21(4), e0346517. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0346517

Pourmand, V., Lawley, K. A., & Lehman, B. J. (2021). Cultural differences in stress and affection following social support receipt. PloS one, 16(9), e0256859. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0256859